To Spank, or Not to to Spank... That is the question
Spankings are one of those conversations that no one really wants to have. However, disciplining is mentioned in the Bible, an age-old reference for many. In my opinion, there are so many afraid to speak on it because of the many laws that have changed over the years and parents are just plain "afraid" to spank their children. As a mom of four children, I have had my share of disciplining children by spankings. Statistics have shown that children need structure and stability in their lives in order to grow and develop. This does not mean beat them every time they do something wrong, but a nice little sting on the bottom or hand is a friendly reminder that the behavior they are displaying is not acceptable.
One of the set backs with disciplining, in my opinion and from my experience with different parents, is that parents don't start at an early age with disciplining their children. They look up one day, and they have a 3-4 year old falling out in the middle of the floor having a tantrum in the local mall or store and they are embarrassed and want answers as to why this is happening. It's simple: when the behavior initially began, it was disregarded and never handled appropriately. Children should learn early on that for every action, there is a reaction...cause and effect. "If I do this, then this will happen". We have to start speaking with our children in the womb. I'm sure many of you parents have heard this, right? It is very beneficial that we set the tone for our children at an early age. From infancy to about age 3, facial expressions and a very stern voice, when necessary works wonders. It's not that you want to make your children afraid of you in the literal sense, but you do want them to fear disappointing you. Does that make sense?
The key to disciplining is consistency. There are some things, that as parents, we can overlook, but there are things which should not be overlooked and should be addressed immediately. Not listening and following directions is something that should never be overlooked. If you say you are going to do something, do it. This will teach your children that they can count on you, depend on you, and it is consistency. If you scold them for doing something, always scold them for that behavior. Don't let it "slide" because you don't feel like exerting the energy at the particular moment.
When you speak to your children, do not stand over them. They already know you're bigger and taller; stoop down to their level and get eye contact with them and look them directly in the eye when you speak with them. Use facial expressions to show disappointment, gratitude, and pleasure.
Language. Use lots of language with your child/dren. The most frustrating thing for a young child is the inability to express themselves properly. Toddlers often find themselves stuck in the developmental stage of Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt (Erikson), meaning, they want to be independent but find themselves struggling because they lack the "words" to say (in a sense) "I got this Mommy" so the inability to say what they feel leads to shame and doubt. As parents, it's our job to give them that confidence, the language.
I will post more on this subject, I just wanted to spark your interest and hear from you as parents. Tell me, what are your strategies when it comes to disciplining your children?
Until we chat again...
Follow @NickiesNiche
One of the set backs with disciplining, in my opinion and from my experience with different parents, is that parents don't start at an early age with disciplining their children. They look up one day, and they have a 3-4 year old falling out in the middle of the floor having a tantrum in the local mall or store and they are embarrassed and want answers as to why this is happening. It's simple: when the behavior initially began, it was disregarded and never handled appropriately. Children should learn early on that for every action, there is a reaction...cause and effect. "If I do this, then this will happen". We have to start speaking with our children in the womb. I'm sure many of you parents have heard this, right? It is very beneficial that we set the tone for our children at an early age. From infancy to about age 3, facial expressions and a very stern voice, when necessary works wonders. It's not that you want to make your children afraid of you in the literal sense, but you do want them to fear disappointing you. Does that make sense?
The key to disciplining is consistency. There are some things, that as parents, we can overlook, but there are things which should not be overlooked and should be addressed immediately. Not listening and following directions is something that should never be overlooked. If you say you are going to do something, do it. This will teach your children that they can count on you, depend on you, and it is consistency. If you scold them for doing something, always scold them for that behavior. Don't let it "slide" because you don't feel like exerting the energy at the particular moment.
When you speak to your children, do not stand over them. They already know you're bigger and taller; stoop down to their level and get eye contact with them and look them directly in the eye when you speak with them. Use facial expressions to show disappointment, gratitude, and pleasure.
Language. Use lots of language with your child/dren. The most frustrating thing for a young child is the inability to express themselves properly. Toddlers often find themselves stuck in the developmental stage of Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt (Erikson), meaning, they want to be independent but find themselves struggling because they lack the "words" to say (in a sense) "I got this Mommy" so the inability to say what they feel leads to shame and doubt. As parents, it's our job to give them that confidence, the language.
I will post more on this subject, I just wanted to spark your interest and hear from you as parents. Tell me, what are your strategies when it comes to disciplining your children?
Until we chat again...
Follow @NickiesNiche
Great post. You're right...this is a very sensitive subject for many people and many people ride the fence on whether or not this is an acceptable form of discipline.
ReplyDeleteI think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned consistency. So many people are lax in discipline and when their child begins to not take them seriously they wonder why.
I agree that for every action there should be a reaction... Negative actions produce negative results and positive produce positive results.
These are wonderful tips. I'm looking forward to more from you on the subject.
Thank you Amira. I appreciate your feedback. Stay tuned for more from me on this subject.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Spanking should be used as a tool not a torture. I had to learn the balance and the measure. Starting early sets the tone for pre-teen and teen years. It depends on the child. A parent with many children will find that one child may respond to inflections in thier voice while another may need a swift swaft on the rear to get thier attention. Observing the most effective method takes trial and error. Above all else a child just wants structure as you said and they thrive in it.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true. Being a mother of four myself, I have found your statement to be true. With some children you can look at them and they know to sit down and stop the behavior that has warranted that look. With others, you do have to physically touch them to get their attention. Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it.
DeleteI personally don't spank but I ain't no punk. I am firm but loving. My toddler is often complimented on her behavior in public (only we know what she's really like LOL!) because she knows what's up. She knows I don't tolerate nonsense. I teach AP Psych and I'm a fan of Erikson's stages as well as Vygotsky. Raising kids is hard; striking the balance between firm discipline and loving encouragement is difficult. Thanks for this post! Definitely helpful for me right now with my coo coo 2-year-old :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Shani! I love that: I ain't no punk! But seriously, I hear you. The balance is what many parents face. Over the years I faced it as well. It definitely takes consistency. We share an interests in two of the same theorists; Psychology is a very interesting and intriguing subject. Keeps me going. Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it! Sasha will be just fine with you as her Mommy!
DeleteThough not a parent yet I personally do not believe in spanking...that may or may not change once I become one. All of the points you outlined above are key. I especially like "It's not that you want to make your children afraid of you in the literal sense, but you do want them to fear disappointing you." I cringe when I see the former :(
ReplyDeleteTotally understandable Nae. Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteGreat article lady and I agree with you in regards to disciplining and I feel it's all about how you set the tone. I am a believer of spanking to a certain extent, but as you mentioned it's all about consistency. As you mentioned "There are some things, that as parents, we can overlook, but there are things which should not be overlooked and should be addressed immediately." I totally agree because if you allow your kids to get away with it the first time they will continue to make the same mistakes later on down the line. You can't start out spanking and then change up your habits later on down the road.
ReplyDeleteHi Tye! Absolutely. That's. Why its so very importaant to begin early. When they're older and acting out, then parents want to take more drastic measures and the children are looking at them like, "whoa! What's going on? You never did or said this before Mommy". Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteMy mother spanked us and was scary. Not Mommy Dearest scary but my brother and I were firmly convinced had we gotten in serious trouble the safest place to have been was prison cause she was gonna snatch us something good when we got let go. Not saying that's a necessary level of fear and I'm sure we exaggerated things greatly in our minds but we never got in trouble, both have degrees and are taking care of ourselves and in his case a family. I can count on my fingers the number of times I got a spanking (and still have extra fingers) but a healthy fear of mom and dad stops that showing out and long term acting up. The don't ask for nothing, touch nothing, break nothing speech we got before each shopping trip helped too I'm sure. None of that tantrum in the aisle mess cause mom would spank a kid (mostly cousins lol) and then make you hold on to the cart while she finished shopping.
ReplyDeleteHi Southern Girl! Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it. I can totally relate to what you are saying. There was a fear of not disappointing my mom, knowing what she would tolerate and what she would not really helped us to not get many spankings. But when we did get spankings, we didn't need one for a long time because we remembered why we shouldn't do what we did and remember what that spanking felt like. We also received that pre-shopping speech!
DeleteHi Darrylon, I was spanked as a child. NEVER abused! Although it felt like the world was ending after I did some hideous deed that I was warned about beforehand, lolol. I single parent a 13 year old and there have been very few times that I had to tap him on the hand or bottom. I don't curse him out, scream or humiliate him. I talk. I explain. I listen. I do believe in spanking so he knows that I'll jump bad if needed especially since he's almost taller than me. What my man child understands is I'm protecting you from being beat in prison or jail. With that being noted we've managed to work things out and use other forms of punishment such as loss of privileges to be firmer if needed.
ReplyDeleteHi Kerissa! Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it. Language is key when raising children. Most children do not have the language skills necessary to express themselves in the beginning; as parents, it is out responsibility to give them that language by modeling for them. It seems to me, from reading your post, that you have been consistent with raising your son with these values and expectations. Setting boundaries, attainable goals, and realistic expectations are healthy in the rearing of children! Kudos to you.
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